Vexational
Varieties
(Transcribed and edited here by Henry Foner.)
1. Sung to the music of When I Was a Lad by
SNOOPENTELL describing his early career and how he
became an informer on his fellow teachers.
SNOOPENTELL: When from college I did graduate,
I took a job at P. S. 28.
For the principals favor, I made my bid
By turning in reports on what the other teachers
did.
CHORUS: He turned in reports on what the other
teachers did.
SNOOPENTELL: I soon became such a skillful "stool"
That now I am the head of a vocational school.
CHORUS: He soon became such a skillful "stool"
That now he is the head of a vocational school.
SNOOPENTELL: From there I went to junior high.
Where I was the apple of the principals eye.
I wrote his thesis and his term report
And a single solitary class I taught.
CHORUS: And a single solitary class he taught.
SNOOPENTELL: I seldom taught, for I was no fool,
So now I am the head of a vocational school.
CHORUS: He seldom taught, for he was no fool,
So now he is the head of a vocational school.
SNOOPENTELL: I made the First Assistants list.
With credit for each backside I kissed.
I spied on teachers both day and night
My reports on them were a gruesome sight.
CHORUS: His reports on them were a gruesome sight.
SNOOPENTELL: Say nothing good became my rule,
And now I am the head of a vocational school.
CHORUS: Say nothing good became his rule.
And now he is the head of a vocational school.
SNOOPENTELL: Now, all you teachers, get ready to
leap
If you want to rise to the top of the heap,
Be sure to be guided by this golden rule,
And you will be the head of a vocational school.
And youll become the head of a vocational school
CHORUS: And you will be the head of a vocational
school.
SNOOPENTELL: Pick papers up
CHORUS (questioningly): Yes?
SNOOPENTELL: And never touch a tool
CHORUS (surprised) Oh!
SNOOPENTELL: And youll become the head of a
vocational school.
CHORUS: Pick papers up and never touch a tool,
And youll become the head of a vocational school..
* * *
2. Sung to the music of The Flowers That Bloom in
the Spring by SLASHENCUT, the
representative of the Superintendent of Schools and
SNOOPENTELL:
SLASHENCUT: The children who come to this school,
tra-la,
Bring with them a great deal of pride.
Combined with their knowledge of words, tra-la,
Theyll learn of the bees and the birds, tra-la
And they soon will be known far and wide
CHORUS: And they soon will be known far and wide.
SLASHENCUT: And thats what we mean when we happily
sing
That our children possess a most wonderful thing.
Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la
They possess a most wonderful thing.
CHORUS: Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la.
They possess a most wonderful thing.
SNOOPENTELL: The children whove come to this
school, tra-la
Are learning a valuable trade.
By the time that they finish each chore, tra-la
Theyll know Shakespeare and Milton and more, tra-la
And how intricate bearings are made.
CHORUS: And how intricate bearings are made.
SNOOPENTELL: Thats why were so proud when we read
in the book
That our children have passed every class that they
took.
Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la
Theyve passed every class that they took.
CHORUS: Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la.
Theyve passed every class that they took.
* * *
3. Sung to the music of Im Called Little Buttercup
by three of the students.
FIRST STUDENT: They call me a student, a dear little
student,
Although I could never tell why.
SECOND STUDENT: But Im still called a student, a
poor little student,
A sweet little student am I.
THIRD STUDENT: Im loud and Im noisy
I call Jersey "Joisy,"
Ive dice and a blackjack and knife.
I throw spitballs wildly
And then sit there mildly
Im leading that kind of a life.
FIRST STUDENT: I eat lunch in science,
I break each appliance,
And somehow my papers get torn.
I smoke in the Boys Room
I joke in the toys room --
Making certain the curtains are drawn.
CHORUS: But still Im called student, a dear little
student,
And there are so many like I.
And thats why we students
Use patience and prudence
In keeping the registers high.
* * *
4. Sung to the music of I Am the Very Model of a
Modern Major General by Assistant Superintendent
Mortimer.
MORTIMER: I am the very model of all science
pedagogical
Ive information animal and vegetable, and logical.
I know the members of the Board and quote their
thoughts historical.
In fact, when I repeat these gems, theyre legends
allegorical.
Im very well acquainted, too, with matters
mathematical.
I calculate each class size in a manner acrobatical.
About the next years register, Im teeming with a
lot o news
(Thoughtfully) "lot o news lot onews oh,
yes"
With less than cheerful facts about the teachers we
have gotta lose.
CHORUS: With less than cheerful facts about the
teachers we have gotta lose (3x)
MORTIMER: I speak in scientific terms of children
problematical.
And teachers who take my advice have classes quite
ecstatical.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and logical,
I am the very model of all science pedagogical.
CHORUS: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and
logical,
He is the very model of all science pedagogical.
MORTIMER: I can tell an auto chassis from a Rockwell
Kent original.
I always tell the teacher that the childs an
individual.
I invented ninety different forms to make a teacher
clerical
(Thoughtfully) Clerical clerical ah, yes!
When they apply for transfers, I become a bit
hysterical.
CHORUS: When they apply for transfers, he becomes a
bit hysterical (3x)
MORTIMER: Of unimportant matters I have knowledge
thats statistical
I can explain each theory in words extremely
mystical.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and logical,
I am the very model of all science pedagogical.
CHORUS: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and
logical,
He is the very model of all science pedagogical.
MORTIMER: When I know just what is meant by
"unassigned" or "travelin" --
When I can tell at sight a flying spitball from a
javelin
When students cutting classes are offenses that Im
wary at --
(Thoughtfully) Wary at wary at ah, yes!
They prefer to be considered members of the
proletariat.
CHORUS: They prefer to be considered members of the
proletariat. (3x)
MORTIMER: My pedagogic knowledge, as you all will
learn eventually,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
century.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and logical,
I am the very model of all science pedagogical.
CHORUS: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and
logical.
He is the very model of all science pedagogical.
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