Vexational
Varieties
(Transcribed and edited here by Henry Foner.)
1. Sung to the music of When I Was a Lad by
SNOOPENTELL describing his early career and how he
became an informer on his fellow teachers.
SNOOPENTELL: When from college I did graduate,
I took a job at P. S. 28.
For the principal’s favor, I made my bid
By turning in reports on what the other teachers
did.
CHORUS: He turned in reports on what the other
teachers did.
SNOOPENTELL: I soon became such a skillful "stool"
That now I am the head of a vocational school.
CHORUS: He soon became such a skillful "stool"
That now he is the head of a vocational school.
SNOOPENTELL: From there I went to junior high.
Where I was the apple of the principal’s eye.
I wrote his thesis and his term report
And a single solitary class I taught.
CHORUS: And a single solitary class he taught.
SNOOPENTELL: I seldom taught, for I was no fool,
So now I am the head of a vocational school.
CHORUS: He seldom taught, for he was no fool,
So now he is the head of a vocational school.
SNOOPENTELL: I made the First Assistant’s list.
With credit for each backside I kissed.
I spied on teachers both day and night –
My reports on them were a gruesome sight.
CHORUS: His reports on them were a gruesome sight.
SNOOPENTELL: Say nothing good became my rule,
And now I am the head of a vocational school.
CHORUS: Say nothing good became his rule.
And now he is the head of a vocational school.
SNOOPENTELL: Now, all you teachers, get ready to
leap
If you want to rise to the top of the heap,
Be sure to be guided by this golden rule,
And you will be the head of a vocational school.
And you’ll become the head of a vocational school
CHORUS: And you will be the head of a vocational
school.
SNOOPENTELL: Pick papers up –
CHORUS (questioningly): Yes?
SNOOPENTELL: And never touch a tool –
CHORUS (surprised) Oh!
SNOOPENTELL: And you’ll become the head of a
vocational school.
CHORUS: Pick papers up and never touch a tool,
And you’ll become the head of a vocational school..
* * *
2. Sung to the music of The Flowers That Bloom in
the Spring by SLASHENCUT, the
representative of the Superintendent of Schools and
SNOOPENTELL:
SLASHENCUT: The children who come to this school,
tra-la,
Bring with them a great deal of pride.
Combined with their knowledge of words, tra-la,
They’ll learn of the bees and the birds, tra-la
And they soon will be known far and wide –
CHORUS: And they soon will be known far and wide.
SLASHENCUT: And that’s what we mean when we happily
sing
That our children possess a most wonderful thing.
Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la
They possess a most wonderful thing.
CHORUS: Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la.
They possess a most wonderful thing.
SNOOPENTELL: The children who’ve come to this
school, tra-la
Are learning a valuable trade.
By the time that they finish each chore, tra-la
They’ll know Shakespeare and Milton and more, tra-la
And how intricate bearings are made.
CHORUS: And how intricate bearings are made.
SNOOPENTELL: That’s why we’re so proud when we read
in the book
That our children have passed every class that they
took.
Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la
They’ve passed every class that they took.
CHORUS: Tra-la-tra-la-la-la. Tra-la-tra-la-la-la.
They’ve passed every class that they took.
* * *
3. Sung to the music of I’m Called Little Buttercup
by three of the students.
FIRST STUDENT: They call me a student, a dear little
student,
Although I could never tell why.
SECOND STUDENT: But I’m still called a student, a
poor little student,
A sweet little student am I.
THIRD STUDENT: I’m loud and I’m noisy –
I call Jersey "Joisy,"
I’ve dice and a blackjack and knife.
I throw spitballs wildly
And then sit there mildly –
I’m leading that kind of a life.
FIRST STUDENT: I eat lunch in science,
I break each appliance,
And somehow my papers get torn.
I smoke in the Boys’ Room –
I joke in the toys’ room --
Making certain the curtains are drawn.
CHORUS: But still I’m called student, a dear little
student,
And there are so many like I.
And that’s why we students
Use patience and prudence
In keeping the registers high.
* * *
4. Sung to the music of I Am the Very Model of a
Modern Major General by Assistant Superintendent
Mortimer.
MORTIMER: I am the very model of all science
pedagogical
I’ve information animal and vegetable, and logical.
I know the members of the Board and quote their
thoughts historical.
In fact, when I repeat these gems, they’re legends
allegorical.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters
mathematical.
I calculate each class size in a manner acrobatical.
About the next year’s register, I’m teeming with a
lot o’ news
(Thoughtfully) – "lot o’ news – lot o’news – oh,
yes"
With less than cheerful facts about the teachers we
have gotta lose.
CHORUS: With less than cheerful facts about the
teachers we have gotta lose (3x)
MORTIMER: I speak in scientific terms of children
problematical.
And teachers who take my advice have classes quite
ecstatical.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and logical,
I am the very model of all science pedagogical.
CHORUS: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and
logical,
He is the very model of all science pedagogical.
MORTIMER: I can tell an auto chassis from a Rockwell
Kent original.
I always tell the teacher that the child’s an
individual.
I invented ninety different forms to make a teacher
clerical –
(Thoughtfully) Clerical – clerical – ah, yes!
When they apply for transfers, I become a bit
hysterical.
CHORUS: When they apply for transfers, he becomes a
bit hysterical (3x)
MORTIMER: Of unimportant matters I have knowledge
that’s statistical
I can explain each theory in words extremely
mystical.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and logical,
I am the very model of all science pedagogical.
CHORUS: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and
logical,
He is the very model of all science pedagogical.
MORTIMER: When I know just what is meant by
"unassigned" or "travelin’" --
When I can tell at sight a flying spitball from a
javelin –
When students cutting classes are offenses that I’m
wary at --
(Thoughtfully) Wary at – wary at – ah, yes!
They prefer to be considered members of the
proletariat.
CHORUS: They prefer to be considered members of the
proletariat. (3x)
MORTIMER: My pedagogic knowledge, as you all will
learn eventually,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
century.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and logical,
I am the very model of all science pedagogical.
CHORUS: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and
logical.
He is the very model of all science pedagogical.
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